How are Christian husbands and wives to relate to one another Biblically? In this message, Brian expounds 1 Peter 3:1-7 to show the wife’s responsibility to submit, even if the husband is not saved, and the husband’s responsibility to understand and honor his wife.
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Submission and Love: God’s Design for Marriage
1 Peter 3:1-7
When Marcus and Melissa got married several weeks ago, I took Ephesians 5 as our text. Now, as Craig and Josie are being joined together in marriage, I’m going to take the other New Testament passage on marriage – 1 Peter 3:1-7.
Interestingly, in Ephesians 5, there are only 3 verses addressed to the wives, and 8 verses addressed to the husband. However, here in 1 Peter 3, there are 6 verses addressed to the wives and only 1 verse to the husband.
In Ephesians 5, Paul tells the wives to submit to their husbands, and the husbands to love their wives. Well, here Peter tells the wives to submit to their husbands, but he does not tell the husbands to love their wives. Instead he tells them to understand and honor their wives. Why doesn’t he tell them to love their wives? I believe it is because the way the husband shows his love to his wife is by understanding and honoring her.
1. The Godly Wife: 3:1-6
What is she commanded to do? “Be submissive to your own husbands.” The Greek word translated as “submissive” was a military term that meant “to rank under another’s authority.” Very simply, to submit is to yield to the authority of another. The Bible tells us that the husband is the head of the wife. He has delegated authority from Christ, and is accountable to Him for how he leads his wife and children.
Who is she to submit to? To her own husband. She is not commanded to submit to all husbands, or all men in general, but to her own husband.
What should her submission look like?
- Chaste. That word simply means “pure.” She is irreproachable in her daily life. She is honest, and a woman of integrity. She does not break her trust. She is pure in her dealings with men. She doesn’t flirt with other men. She is completely faithful to her husband.
- To respect someone means to “to consider worthy of high regard; esteem; feel or show admiration for someone.” The godly wife considers her husband worthy of high regard, and shows admiration for him.
What was the condition of some of their husbands? “Disobedient to the word.” Some were disobedient to the word. Is that talking about a Christian husband that is not as obedient to the word as he should be? No. Peter uses the exact same phrase in 1 Pet. 2:8, and says that they are appointed to doom. Further, Peter says these husbands might be “won.” That tells me that they are not Christians. The wife has been converted, but the husband is not. That would have been a very difficult situation for a woman in the first century.
- In the culture of the day, women had no rights.
- Her status was little better than that of a slave.
- On no account could she leave him, although he could dismiss her at any moment.
- She was not permitted to speak in public meetings.
- She was not allowed any kind of independent existence and any mind of her own.
- If she changed religions, her husband would consider her unfaithful to himself and his pagan gods. This would cause great tension in the home.
- It could be immensely embarrassing to her husband among his peers, potentially resulting in him being violent or abusive toward her.
The question was, how was she to live in this marriage in order to disarm his hostility and lead her husband to Christ? Notice Peter doesn’t tell her to leave him. That would probably be the advice she would get today. After all, she doesn’t have to stay and take that stuff. He’s clearly not compatible with her. He is controlling and domineering. Why shouldn’t she get out of there and find someone with the same interests as she?
Peter also doesn’t tell her to nag him, preach at him, or argue with him. If she lived today Peter’s advice wouldn’t be to put gospel tracts under his beer cans, and turn up the Christian radio and TV stations whenever he’s around. Rather, Peter tells her he might be won “without a word.”
I remember having a conversation with a guy in a former church in Sonora and he told me that if a husband is not living the way he is supposed to, that the wife doesn’t need to submit to him. However, that directly contradicts what Peter is teaching here. Folks, regardless of how our spouse is living, we are still responsible to live the way God wants us to live. Even if he/she is being disobedient, we are still called to obedience.
What should she focus on?
Not speaking to him, but living a certain kind of life before him. Peter talks about her “behavior” in verse 1 and 2. What kind of behavior? Chaste and respectful. It’s actually more important how she lives than what she says. The chaste, respectful behavior of a submissive wife is the strongest evangelistic tool she has! He will be forced to admit the presence of a Divine power in her faith that he has often mocked.
Not external adornment. Her focus should not be outward beauty such as elaborate braiding of the hair, wearing gold jewelry, or dresses. Now, of course, there is nothing sinful in and of itself in doing those things. Peter’s point is not that she must never braid her hair, wear gold jewelry or put on dresses. His point is that she must not make those things the focus of her life – external adornment.
The hidden person of the heart. She is to cultivate her inner beauty. She is to focus her attention on her inner character. Man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.
Gentle and quiet spirit. She is to be meek, and gentle, calm, peaceful and tranquil. These virtues are imperishable – will endure into eternity. Gold jewelry may be precious in the sight of men, but a gentle and quiet spirit are precious in the sight of God.
Peter’s point in vs. 5-6 is that other holy women in the Old Testament, like Sarah, lived this way, and Christian women should follow their example. They were submissive, they obeyed their husbands, and they were respectful when speaking about them.
Spurgeon once told this story in a sermon. A husband was a very loose, depraved man of the world, but he had a wife who for many years bore with his ridicule and unkindness, praying for him night and day. One night, being at a drunken feast with a number of his companions, he boasted that his wife would do anything he wished; she was as submissive as a lamb. “Now,” he said, “she has gone to bed hours ago, but if I take you all to my house at once, she will get up and entertain you and make no complaint.” The matter ended in a bet, and away they went.
In a few minutes she was up and remarked that she was glad that she had two chickens ready, and if they would wait she would soon have a supper spread for them. The table was spread, and she took her place at it, acting the part of hostess with cheerfulness. One of the company exclaimed, “Madam, I am at a loss to under-stand how it is you receive us so cheerfully, for being a religious person you cannot approve of our conduct.”
Her reply was, “I and my husband were both formerly unconverted, but by the grace of God I am now a believer in the Lord Jesus. I have daily prayed for my husband and done all I can to bring him to a better mind. But as I see no change in him, I fear he will be lost forever. And I have made up my mind to make him as happy as I can while he is here.”
They went away, and her husband said, “Do you really think I shall be unhappy forever?”
“I fear so,” said she. “I would to God you would repent and seek forgiveness.” That night patience accomplished her desire. He was soon found with her on the way to heaven.
Application:
- Are You Modeling Your Life After the Holy Women in Scripture? we use the word “model” today to refer to the outwardly beautiful and glamorous women on the covers of magazines at the grocery store. But what are they models of? Virtue, godliness, faith, submission? No! Just outward adornment. That’s it. We should think of a “model” as someone whose character and virtue are worthy of your imitation. If you want a model worth emulating – look into the Scriptures.
- How Much Time and Energy Do You Give To Your Inner Beauty? How much time per day do you spend on your appearance? How much time on your character? How much time in prayer and the Word?
- How Are You Doing on Having a Submissive Attitude? True submission begins in the heart with an attitude of respect. Notice that a submissive wife gets her strength from God (1 Peter 3:5). She hopes in God. She doesn’t pin all her hopes on how her husband treats her, her looks, her wealth, her clothes, etc. She puts all her hope in God. She has God and that is enough. So, her attitude of submission stems from her relationship to God. Her ability to submit comes from her walk with the Lord.
2. The Godly Husband: 3:7
God has called the husband to love his wife. How does he do that? By understanding her and honoring her.
He Must Understand Her
How must the husband live with his wife? “in an understanding way.” The KJV says “according to knowledge.” The opposite would be to live with her according to ignorance. Now you all know that men and women are very different, so he may never be able to understand her entirely, but that should be his goal. Husbands, we need to do our best to try to understand our wife, her feelings, her needs, her nature, her desires, moods, hopes, goals, frustrations, strengths, and weaknesses. We need to be good listeners and share in meaningful communication.
What specifically is he to understand? The verse goes on to say, “as with someone weaker, since she is a woman.” The KJV says “as with a weaker vessel.” She is like a beautiful, expensive hand painted vase that you put up on the mantle to admire, but it is easily broken. But in what sense is she weaker than him? Of course she is not intellectually, morally, spiritually, or emotionally weaker than him. In fact, she may be stronger in many of these areas than he is. But she is weaker physically than him. God has made the male sex to be stronger than the female sex, generally speaking.
So how should his knowledge of her being weaker cause him to act toward her? If she is weaker, then he must take care of her, provide for her, and protect her.
She is weaker in the marriage: In other words, when she married you she accepted her role as taking the submissive place. But, taking such a position leaves her vulnerable, and open to exploitation. So, the husband is commanded to live with her according to knowledge – not to take advantage of his wife’s vows of submission, but to be considerate of her physical condition and submissive role in the marriage. That word “considerate” is good for us to remember. We must consider, remind ourselves of, and think of, her needs and weaknesses as a woman and do what we can to meet those needs.
He Must Honor Her
Why is he to honor her?
- Because she is a fellow heir of the grace of life. In other words, they share equally in all of the spiritual riches of Christ. The man is not superior when it comes to his standing with God, the blessings and benefits he receives from God. She is a daughter of the King, and he is to honor her as such. Galatians 3:28, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”
- So that his prayers will not be hindered. Men, if you mistreat your wife, your relationship with God will suffer. Your communion with God will be interrupted. You will have no peace with God, until you humble yourself, apologize to your wife, and confess your sins to God.
Application:
- Husbands, are you seeking to live with your wife according to knowledge? Are you studying her so that you are well aware of her weaknesses? When you discover a weakness, do you seek to compensate for that weakness? When she needs help, are you quick to volunteer to help and do it cheerfully?
- Husbands, are you honoring your wife? You say, Brian, how can a husband honor his wife? Well, I’ll give you some ideas.
- Open the car door for her. Do you husbands do that? I recently read something from a Christian author. He writes, “When my wife and I went out to lunch with some friends, I noticed that the husband went around to the passenger side of the car and opened the door for his wife. I said to him, “Some women might consider that demeaning.” “That’s right,” he said. “One woman saw me do that and remarked, ‘I’m sure she’s perfectly capable of opening the door for herself!’ I told her, ‘I don’t open the door for my wife because she’s incapable. I do it to honor her.'”
- Write her love notes. Men, are you doing that? What better way to honor your wife and show her how precious she is to you than write her love notes and leave them in different places where she will find them.
- Establish a Date Night. Do you men have a Date Night? I recommend this for every married couple. How else are you going to stay connected and work on your relationship unless you make time to spend together? And the best way to do that is to plan for it. Debbie and I have had a weekly Date Night for nearly 30 years, and we have almost never missed it. It is sacred to us.
- Speak well of her. Just as she is to be respectful of her husband in the way she speaks, he is to honor her in the way he speaks. Lift her up in your speech. Furthermore, make sure your children speak to your wife with respect. You need to model honoring your wife for your kids, and then enforce it with discipline if they show her disrespect.
The late Bible teacher Harry Ironside once had a super-spiritual young man come to him and say,
“Dr. Ironside, I have a spiritual problem. I love my wife too much!” He probably thought that Ironside would commend him for his great dedication to God. But instead, Ironside wisely asked him, “Do you love her as much as Christ loved the church?”
When the young man stammered, “Well, no, I don’t love her that much” Ironside said, “Then go get on with it, because that’s God’s command.”
May God help the wives here at The Bridge to be submissive to their husbands, and the husbands to understand and honor their wives. If that happens, our marriages will look like the relationship between Christ and His church, and God will be glorified!
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