How do we handle it when we have a falling out with another brother or sister in the church? That’s what we tackle in this message. Pastor Brian shares 5 principles that will help us when we encounter that difficult situation.
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Conflict Resolution in the Church
Philippians 4:2-3
People everywhere experience conflict. Husbands and wives have conflict. Parents and children have conflict. Teachers and students have conflict. Employees and employers have conflict. Police and citizens have conflict. Nations and nations have conflict. We call that a war. Actually, the world is filled with conflict.
And, it is actually no different in the church. Someone once said,
“To dwell with the saints we love, O that will be glory.
But to dwell with the saints we know, that’s a different story!”
We would like to think that the church is a utopia, a perfect place where no conflict, or disagreements, or quarrels or fights ever take place, but that is just not the truth. There are conflicts between church leaders. There are doctrinal disputes. There are squabbles about what color carpet to buy, for crying out loud. Most new denominations are formed out of some kind of church conflict.
And you know, this is as old as the Book of Acts. In Acts 15:37-40 it says, “Barnabas wanted to take John, called Mark, along with them also. But Paul kept insisting that they should not take him along who had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not gone with them to the work. And there occurred such a sharp disagreement that they separated from one another, and Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus. But Paul chose Silas and left, being committed by the brethren to the grace of the Lord.” Think of that! Paul and Barnabas, two extremely godly, zealous and committed disciples of the Lord had a very sharp disagreement – so sharp that they separated and could not work together.
In James 4:1 it says, “What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members?”
No, church conflicts are nothing new. Sadly, they have been around since the beginning and will be here until Christ returns. The big question is how do we deal with them? How do we resolve them in a way that honors God?
Well, how should believers in Christ seek to resolve conflict? This morning we are going to look at two women in the church in Philippi who were experiencing conflict and see if we can get some counsel from the Scriptures about how we can resolve it when we face it today.
In verse 2 we are introduced to two women – Euodia and Syntyche. Paul exhorts both of them to live in harmony in the Lord. “Live in harmony” literally means “to think the same things; to be likeminded; to agree.” Euodia and Syntyche disagreed on something. We don’t know what it was, and it is useless to conjecture. However, it must have been a sharp disagreement, for Paul finds it necessary to urge both of them to live in harmony in the Lord.
“In the Lord” – there is the important phrase. We can only live in harmony with one another when we do it “in the Lord”. In other words, we depend on His power. We seek His will. We rely on His grace. We submit to His rule. When two believers are both seeking to be obedient to the Lord, it will be much easier for them to dwell together in harmony.
This is actually very sad when you think about it. The only time Euodia and Syntyche are mentioned in the Bible is here, and the only thing we really know about them is that they couldn’t get along with one another. How would you like your name to be mentioned in the Bible only for something sinful that you had done?! Or how would you like to be in church when someone stood up and read a letter from a great apostle and you hear them reading, “I urge Euodia and I urge Syntyche to live in harmony in the Lord”! Wow – that would be an embarrassing moment.
One thing we do know about these two women is that they were zealous believers, because Paul says in verse 3 that they have shared his struggle in the cause of the gospel.
Well, let’s see if we can discover some Biblical principles for resolving conflict with brothers and sisters in the Lord.
1. If Possible, Overlook the Offense.
There are some offenses that are minor. In many of those cases, it is best to just cover over the sin. Absorb the offense. Just let it go.
1 Peter 5:8, “Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.”
Proverbs 19:11, “A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression.”
Proverbs 12:16, “A fool’s anger is known at once, but a prudent man conceals dishonor.”
When Paul was writing to the Corinthians he brings up the case of brothers taking brothers to court. Paul is appalled and shocked by this spirit. He says to them, “why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be defrauded?” In other words, instead of lashing out in the legal courts to avenge yourselves for the offenses you have sustained, why not absorb the offenses?
Everyone has bad days, when they are stressed or irritable, and end up doing or saying something hurtful to someone else. That includes us. So, how do we react? We need to be willing to extend the same grace to them that we hope they will extend to us. Ken Sande in his excellent book, The Peacemaker, tells how this principle worked in his own marriage,
“I remember one day when Corlette said something that really disappointed me. I don’t remember what she said, but I do remember going out into the back yard a few minutes later to rake leaves. for about fifteen minutes I treated myself to a real “pity party,” and I was increasingly convinced that I should go back inside and let her know how hurt I was. But then by God’s grace, Philippians 4:8 came to mind.
“Ha!” I thought at first. “What’s noble, right, or lovely about the way she’s treating me?” But the Holy Spirit wouldn’t give up. Within a few moments, I grudgingly conceded that Corlette is a good cook. (This counterbalancing process often begins with the basics.) Then I admitted that she keeps a beautiful home and practices wonderful hospitality. And, yes, she has been very thoughtful toward my family. And she is certainly pure and faithful– I remember how much she had supported me through some difficult times in my work. Every chance she gets, she attends the seminars I teach and sits smiling and supportive through hours of the same material (always saying she has learned something new. Corlete is a marvelous counselor and has helped hundreds of children. And didn’t she even take up backpacking because she knew I loved it? I realized that the list could go on and on.
Within minutes my attitude was turned upside down and I saw the offensive comment for what it was — a momentary and insignificant flaw in an otherwise wonderful person. I did go back inside, but not to confront Corlette about what she had said. Instead, I just wanted to give her a hug and tell her how glad I was to be married to her.”
So, it seems that is the first way we should deal with conflicts. If possible, just overlook it because of your love for your brother.
However, what if you have tried to overlook the offense, but you just can’t do it. You continue to have feelings of resentment and bitterness and unforgiveness toward the person that has wounded you. Your relationship with that person has soured. What then?
2. Go to your Brother and tell him his fault in private.
Jesus said in Luke 17:3, “Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.” So, here we have a situation in which the offended brother did not just overlook the offense. Rather, he rebuked the brother who had sinned.
Matthew 18:15, “If your brother sins (some late manuscripts add here “against you”), go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. Here Jesus commands his disciples to confront a sinning brother, but they are to do it in private. This is where I have seen conflict resolution in the church go horribly wrong. Instead of going to the sinning brother in private, they instead go to their friends and talk about the sinning brother to them. They have been hurt – granted. The Biblical direction is to take the person that has hurt them aside and talk to them about the offense. However, we all hate confrontation. And because we are hurt, we feel we have to talk about it, so we talk about it to all the wrong people. And what happens? We stir up bad feelings and resentment within the church. Instead of promoting unity, we are promoting division.
Why do you think Jesus told us to go and reprove our sinning brother in private? I believe it is because if he listens to us, the problem is immediately solved, and its poison does not have to infect the body of Christ. If he listens and repents, reconciliation can be effected and nobody else needs to know about it. However, if we don’t go and talk to the person in private, but instead spread our poison into the church, we have turned a private issue into a public church issue, which it didn’t need to be.
I see something else happen a lot at this particular point. Two believers in the church disagree with one another. Things have become awkward and uncomfortable with one another. How do they resolve it? One of them leaves the church! This is tragic! God’s will is not that we run from problems because we are uncomfortable with confrontation. His will is that we seek to resolve the conflict in a way that brings God glory.
How are we to speak to the sinning brother? Galatians 6:1 says, “Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.” Gentleness! Not harshness or vindictiveness, or anger. We are to model gentleness, realizing we could just as easily be in the same situation, but by the grace of God!
3. Realize What Is At Stake.
Conflict has serious ramifications. When Christians fight with each other,
- The testimony of the church is undermined
- The ministry of the church is diminished
- The body of Christ is handicapped
- The unity of the Church is assaulted
- The peace of the body is lessened
The kingdom of God takes a direct hit from the enemy. The devil likes nothing better than to get Christians to fight with each other, because that destroys the precious unity they enjoy and gets them to focus all of their energy on their hurts rather than loving one another and bring the lost into the kingdom.
4. Humble Yourself To Be Able To Learn What God Wants To Teach You.
In any disagreement, usually there is some truth being expressed from both sides. Maybe the Lord wants to teach us and mature us through that other person that we disagree with. It can be a doctrinal dispute. You are convinced that you are right, but you have to admit that there is a kernel of truth that they are expressing that you need to acknowledge.
Or, another person may confront you about a character issue. They may see lazyness, or selfishness, or pride, or some other sin. However, our first reaction is usually to deny it and claim that they are all wrong. All of us have blind spots. We may have a real character problem that we have never seen. All of a sudden, someone else is point it out, and we don’t like it. It’s like having someone poke us in the eye. We recoil, and just want to get away from them. However, we need to be humble enough to admit that just maybe the Lord is using them to expose some sin in our lives that we have not seen before. Maybe the Lord is wanting us to grow in this area, and overcome this particular sin, and He is using another brother to point it out.
Now, only a humble person will be able to do this. So, let’s pray that the Lord will grant us humility!
5. Recruit the Aid of a Mediator.
This is what the apostle Paul did. He says in verse 3, “Indeed, true companion, I ask you also to help these women who have shared my struggle in the cause of the gospel, together with Clement also and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.”
Paul enlists the help of a “true companion.” He tells him to help these women reconcile. He is to be a mediator – an impartial, objective, third party, that can see both sides and help them both repent and extend forgiveness.
But just who is this “true companion”? The short answer is nobody knows. Everyone seems to have an opinion on it. Some think it is Luke, others Epaphroditus (the bearer of the letter), others think that Eudia was a man and Syntyche his wife, and they had had a marital spat! Some think the person’s name was “Syzygos” which is what the Greek word for companion is if you don’t translate it. It’s like Paul is saying, “You really have lived up to your name! Your name means “companion” and you are a true companion.” The problem is that we have no record in ancient history of anyone else with that name. The Philippians must have known who it was, whether we know. The important thing is that Paul believed it expedient to ask someone else to jump in and get involved so that this conflict could be resolved.
And it wasn’t just one individual. Paul also calls on Clement, and the rest of Paul’s fellow workers. So, he is asking a group of people to get involved and make sure that this problem gets taken care of and that there is peace and healing in the relationship.
Sometimes, unfortunately, two believers can get stuck in a toxic relationship. Both believe they are right, and the other is wrong. Both believe they have been sinned against. Both believe they have nothing to apologize for. Both are involved in the same church. Both have let bitterness and resentment fill their hearts, and they seem incapable of reconciling without help. That’s when a trusted mature friend or friends need to step in and try to help bring clarity on the issues, and urge each to repent of how they have sinned against the other, and urge each to extend forgiveness and grace.
Sometimes this happens within a marriage, and so someone needs to provide marriage counseling with the purpose of bringing reconciliation and forgiveness into the relationship.
But sometimes this happens between believers in the body of Christ. Something like this happened at the church I pastured from 1990 to 2000 in Milpitas (South Bay area). I was a brand new pastor with no actual pastoral experience. I began pastoring a church that was formerly pastured by a man with over 30 years of pastoral experience. There was a group of people in the church that loved the former pastor, and didn’t really like me. I was different than him, and my ministry was different. And to make matters worse, I spent all day studying the Scriptures and not enough time building relationships with these folks. So, after about three years, the whole thing came to a head. Two of these disgruntled members approached the former pastor and two other local pastors and said they needed them to meet with me, and my fellow Elder. They aired their grievances, demanding that I resign as an Elder. The 3 pastors listened to everything, then went out and discussed the issues and prayed. They came back and did their best to bring about reconciliation. They told the two disgruntled members that they didn’t see anything that would disqualify me as an Elder, and they encouraged them to remain in the church and learn to love and support me. They also counseled me and the other Elder, to meet with one of the local pastors to gain wisdom in building healthy relationships in the church. Well, I wish the story had a happy outcome, but within a few weeks, both of the disgruntled members had left the church. And, interestingly, after those first turbulent three years at that church, the last 7 were heavenly! God brought a great peace and unity in the body, and we ended up seeing a wonderful work of the Holy Spirit in evangelism, deep relationships, love and unity.
Not every effort to provide mediation and reconciliation between alienated brothers is successful, but it is always right to make every effort. Paul says in Romans 12, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.”
Conclusion
Are any of you experiencing some kind of conflict with another Christian? I urge you not to let that go on and on indefinitely. Seek reconciliation. So far as it depends on you, be at peace with that brother or sister.
How?
1) Ask the Lord to show you your sin in the matter. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way” (Ps. 139:23-24). There is always some fault on both sides in a conflict. Ask the Lord to show you your faults and sins. Be open to hearing God’s voice through His word.
2) Humble yourself. Be willing to admit your sins, and ask for forgiveness. You can’t make the other person humble themselves, admit their sins, and ask your forgiveness. But you can take the initiative to be Christlike in this matter.
3) Seek the Help of a Mediator. If you can’t work out the conflict by yourselves, get a trusted mature believer to meet with the two of you. Humble yourself to really listen to his or her counsel.
May God help us to honor him in all our relationships in the body of Christ!
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