This morning’s message is from Ephesians 5:22–33, where Paul teaches about the roles of husbands and wives in marriage. Marriage is more than a relationship between two people; it points to the deeper union between Christ and the church.
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The Foundation for a Godly Marriage: Love and Respect
Ephesians 5:22-33
Today is a very special day, and this church meeting is going to be very different from our normal gatherings, because it will conclude with the wedding of Marcus and Melissa. We have waited for this day for a long time, and now that it is here I think we are all very excited.
For our time in the Word of God this morning, I want to focus on Paul’s teaching regarding the duties of the husband and the wife in Ephesians 5:22-33. However, the marriage of the husband and the wife is not the whole picture. Actually, marriage itself is a picture of a greater union – the union of Christ and His church. So, this morning we will begin by studying the responsibility of the husband and the wife in marriage, and then we will conclude by studying the marriage of Christ and His church.
1. Husbands and Wives
Wives
The wife must see to it that she respects her husband. We will begin with the responsibility of the wife, because that’s how the apostle Paul begins. In Ephesians 5:33 Paul sums up his entire teaching by saying, “Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects here husband.”
Here Paul reduces all of the responsibilities of the husband and wife to 1 thing for each of them. The husband must love his wife. The wife must respect her husband. I’m glad that God made it simple for us! He could have given us the 10 commandments of marriage, but I would find it extremely difficult to concentrate on ten different things. Instead both the husband and wife only need to really focus on one thing.
The wife’s one main focus should be to respect her husband. The Greek word for “respect” is the normal word that means “be afraid.” It is the word used in the NT when we are told to fear God. Of course, when we are commanded to God, we are not really being commanded to cower in fear of Him! When we are commanded to fear God, we are being told that we should have a reverential awe of God. Likewise, when the wife is told she must respect her husband, she is not being told she must constantly be afraid of him. She is being told she must respect him. The word respect means “to feel or show admiration for someone that you believe has good ideas or qualities.” A synonym for respect would be “reverence.” That’s why the KJV translates this as “the wife must reverence her husband.”
Wives, be subject to your own husbands. But how can the wife show her respect (admiration, reverence) for her husband day to day in practical ways? Paul gives us the answer in verse 22, 23, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord… But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.”
She shows her respect by subjecting herself to her husband. But what does it mean for a wife to subject herself to her husband? The phrase be subject was a Greek military term meaning “to arrange soldiers in a military fashion under the command of a leader.” The word had a range of meanings including “submit, obey, put yourself under, subordinate.” The basic idea was that the wife recognized that God had put her husband in authority over her and she was willing to follow his leadership.
Now, I know that in our popular culture today, that idea is not popular. In fact, if you should read the Bible concerning the role of the wife, you are liable to make a lot of people angry. Some women may react very strongly, by questioning why the husband should be in authority in the family. After all, doesn’t the wife have just as much value in the eyes of God? Of course, the answer is, Yes! She is just as much a child of God as her husband, with all the same spiritual privileges as him. However, the question is not one of value, but of role. Although husband and wife have equal value and spiritual privilege before God, they have been given different roles by God.
Consider for a moment the relationship of Jesus to His Father. We know from Scripture that Jesus is God. Therefore the Father and the Son possess the same divine attributes. Neither person of the Trinity is more valuable than the other. However, the Son willingly submitted Himself to His Father’s will when He came to earth, in order to accomplish the work of redemption. The wife, similarly, looks to Jesus’ submission to His Father, as One to imitate in her marriage.
The husband has been called to lead. Therefore, he bears the responsibility before God for the decisions he makes on behalf of the family. And the wife is called to follow and support his leadership.
This really shouldn’t surprise us. We are commanded in Scripture to be in subjection to governing authorities (13:1); and to our spiritual leaders in the church (Heb. 13:17). In the realm of human government citizens are commanded to submit. In the realm of the church, Christians are commanded to submit. In the realm of the family, wives and children are commanded to submit.
So, does that mean that the wife has no say regarding family decisions? Of course not! Any husband would be a fool if he did not regularly consult his wife’s opinions before making a decision. Any actually, most decisions will be made together as they discuss the various options and come into unity together regarding a decision. Once in a while, there may be a situation where the husband and wife can’t agree, and a decision must be made, and in those rare occasions, the husband will have to make the decision and bear responsibility for that decision before the Lord. And in those cases, the wife is called to submit to her husband’s leadership.
Really, the idea of submission only becomes real when the husband is leading the family to do something she disagrees with. If she agrees with his decisions, there really isn’t anything to submit to.
So, how should the wife respond when she disagrees with a decision he is making? She should voice her opinion in a respectful way, and ask him to pray about it, and search the Scriptures before going ahead with the decision. If she really feels strongly about it, she should have the freedom to tell him that. But, when all is said and done, and he makes his decision, she should stop resisting him, and seek to willingly and joyfully follow his leadership.
Now, here Paul answers two questions for us.
- What should her motivation be when she submits to her husband? As to the Lord. What does Paul mean by “as to the Lord?” Well, he brings up the same phrase in 6:7 when he speaks to slaves, “With good will render service, as to the Lord, and not to men.” Now, if Paul means the same thing in Ephesians 5:22, he means that the wife should submit to her husband, as an act of obedience to and worship of the Lord. When she submits to her husband it is her way of saying, “Lord I trust You in this decision. You are able to lead my husband. And even if he makes a terrible mistake, You are able to cause all things to work together for good.” So, when she submits, she does it as to the Lord, trusting in the Lord, and obeying the Lord.
- In what areas must she submit to her husband? 5:24 “But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.” There Paul gives the scope of her submission – in everything. Paul does not provide any loopholes. He doesn’t tell the wife she should submit as long as she agrees with her husband. As we have already said, that doesn’t require submission, because she is only going along with what she already agrees with. In how many areas is the church to be subject to Christ? That one’s easy – in everything. The wife takes her cue from the relationship of the church to Christ. Just as the church must be subject to Christ in everything, so the wife must be subject to her husband in everything.
You might think, “that sounds like an impossible task!” And you know, you’re right. If we try to live out the Christian life in our own strength, it is impossible. However, the Holy Spirit of God indwells us, and He is able to empower and strengthen us to live in a supernatural way.
Melissa, this is God’s high calling on your life. This is what you are committing to today before witnesses. We all understand that you won’t be able to do this perfectly. You are going to fail from time to time. That’s where Marcus, you need to be gracious, and patient, and kind towards your wife.
Husbands
Ephesians 5:33 says “Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself.” Just as the wife has one thing she must focus on, so does the husband. He is to love his wife.
Now, it is right at this point, that we start to misunderstand God. When someone mentions “love” to us today, we get the wrong idea in our heads. We think of romantic love. We think of feelings of attraction. We think of “falling in love.” We think of all the romance movies and books we have ever watched or read. We think of love as an emotion. But, that is not the way the Bible is speaking of love.
Notice 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself up for her…” Was Christ attracted by the beauty of the church? No! In ourselves, we were sinful, polluted and disgusting. Did He feel some kind of romantic feeling towards the church? No. Did He fall madly in love with the church, as though He just couldn’t help Himself because of the beauty of the church? No, that wasn’t it either. Our contemporary Hollywood views of love are not the kind of love that Christ has for His church.
Jesus expressed His love for the church by “giving Himself up for her.” Now, what does that mean? It means He willingly gave His life for the church. He died for her. It is what Paul had in mind in Galatians 2:20 when he wrote, “the Son of God loved me and gave Himself up for me.”
A friend of mine and fellow preacher in Mississippi once gave this definition of biblical love – “a self-sacrificial determination to do another good.” I think that fits Jesus’ love for His church very well. His love was self-sacrificial. He sacrificed His comfort, and His life to do the church good. And what was that good? Her salvation, forgiveness, reconciliation, her cleansing of all defilement, and her ultimate glory of spending eternity with Him.
Therefore, although the husband is the head of the wife, he is not a selfish dictator. He is a Servant-Leader, like Christ Himself. Jesus did not come to be served, but to serve and give His life a ransom for many.
Just as Jesus is for the church, so husbands are to be for their wives. They are called to provide for her, protect her, pray for her, and to leave all others and cleave to her. He is to cherish her above all other women, and be faithful to her.
At this point, probably the guys are thinking, “How in the world will I ever to pull this off?! My job is just as impossible as my wife’s job!” Of course the answer is the same. You won’t be able to do this in your own strength, but God has called you to be filled with the Spirit and depend on Him to live His life through you.
Melissa, this is God’s high calling on your life. You too, will not live this out perfectly. When you fail, Melissa you will need to be forgiving, gracious and patient with your husband. Husbands and wives, pray for one another!
2. Christ and the Church
Ephesians 5:29-32, “for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.”
Paul, in effect, is saying that the husband-wife relationship is a picture of far greater spiritual reality. Christian marriage is a picture of the marriage between Christ and His church. Christ is the Husband, the church is the Bride.
I want to speak to you for a few minutes about the love of Christ for His church.
- Christ loved His church by choosing her. If you are a member of His church, Jesus loved you before you were born.
Jeremiah 31:3 “The Lord appeared to him from afar, saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.” In context, this statement was made to God’s Old Covenant people – Israel. But, of course, this statement is also true of His New Covenant people – the church.
Ephesians 1:4 “just as He chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world…”
Ephesians 1:4-5, “In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself.”
Before we were ever conceived, from eternity past, God had already determined to create us and to make us His own children, as part of His family.
- Christ loved His church by purchasing them.
Mt. 20:28 “Jesus came to serve and give His life a ransom for many”
Acts 20:28 “…the church of God which He purchased with His own blood.”
The word “redemption” means that someone is set free through the paying of a price. We are set free the penalty, power and presence of sin because Jesus paid the price of giving up His life for us. When He died, it was as if God wrote a receipt in heaven saying “Paid In Full!”
When we become Christians, we don’t bring our good works as a payment for our salvation. We can’t, because Jesus has already paid for our salvation!
- Christ loves His church by pursuing her.
John 6:44, “No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and I will raise him up on the last day.”
My friends, have you come to Jesus Christ in faith and repentance? If you did, it was because the Father drew you. He pursued you. Just as a young man pursues the woman he wants to marry, by calling her, texting her, taking her on dates, buying her gifts, etc. so too God pursues those He brings into His church. How does He do that? By drawing her. That means that He reveals Himself to you in all His beauty, so you can’t help but love Him and follow Him.
- Christ loves His church by nourishing her.
Ephesians 5:29 “for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church.”
What does it mean that Christ “nourishes” the church. Well, to nourish someone involves feeding them. Christ feeds our souls as we read and meditate on Scripture. I love that thought that when read the Word, I’m not feeding my soul all by myself. Christ is actually nourishing Me!
- Christ loves His church by cherishing her.
To cherish someone is to hold them dear to you. Folks, we are very dear to Jesus Christ! We should be – He paid dearly to obtain us as His own possession. Think of an heirloom that you cherish. Maybe it has very little actual value, but it has great sentimental value to you because it reminds you of someone you love dearly. We are cherished by Jesus Christ!
- Christ loves His church by glorifying them.
Ephesians 5:26-27, “so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.”
In this passage, Paul is comparing the church to a wedding garment. On the day when we meet Jesus Christ face to face, this wedding garment will have no spots or wrinkles. There will be no sin to mar her. There will be no wrinkle. She will be perfect. All traces of sin are gone. Only the very righteousness of Christ is seen in her. She is glorified, just like Jesus when He was raised from the dead.
Conclusion
Perhaps some of you who are here today, are not yet part of Christ’s church. Would you like to be? Would you like to know the love of Christ? Would you like to be His disciple, His follower? Would you like to know that God cares for you, watches over you, cherishes you, and will perfect you?
The way to begin this journey is to come to Him in humility and confess to Him that you know you are a sinner, and do not deserve any of His gifts. In your heart, forsake your sinful past, and determine to trust Jesus Christ to save you. Begin to follow Him. How do you do that? You get to know Him and His will. The best way to do that is reading about Him and His will in the Bible. As you discover the things in your life that are not pleasing to God, you go to Him and ask Him for forgiveness and the power to change. God offers you the greatest gift in the universe – His Son, Jesus Christ. If you have Christ, you have eternal life. Reach out this morning and receive God’s gift of Jesus Christ today.
Then begin your spiritual journey by getting to know Him. Find others that are on this same spiritual journey, that love God and are seeking to do His will. May God bless you in your journey.
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